Keep it affectionate. A light joke followed by a sincere line (“…but seriously, we’ll miss you”) is the format that lands best.
How to write it
- Joke about meetings, emails, alarms, and commutes — not about getting old.
- Follow every joke with one sincere line.
- Avoid jokes that only make sense with context the family won’t have.
Jokes about leaving work behind
Congratulations on never having to “circle back” again.
Your out-of-office message is finally telling the truth: you won’t be back.
You’re trading meetings for naps. Honestly, a promotion.
No more Monday mornings. Ever. We hate you a little bit. Congratulations!
The only thing you need to submit now is your lunch order.
Retirement: the world’s longest coffee break. Enjoy it!
Playful wishes
May your golf game improve and your phone stay silent.
Wishing you days full of nothing, and plenty of time to do it in.
Enjoy your new schedule: sleep, coffee, more coffee, maybe a walk.
Your new boss is your spouse. Good luck with that.
Retirement goal: become an expert in long lunches.
Hope retirement is as relaxing as you made Friday afternoons look.
Funny with a sincere ending
We’ll miss your stories, even the ones we’ve heard twelve times. Happy retirement!
Who’s going to fix the printer now? Seriously though, we’ll miss you.
We’re keeping your desk as a shrine. Just kidding — but we will miss you.
You were the only one who read the full policy documents. We’re doomed. Enjoy your retirement!
Your replacement has big shoes to fill and an even bigger inbox. Thank you for everything.
One-liners
Goodbye tension, hello pension!
Officially retired. Officially jealous.
Time to retire from work, not from fun.
Finally, a job you can’t get fired from.
You’re free! Run before they change their minds.
Unemployed and loving it — enjoy!
What to avoid
- Age jokes like “over the hill.”
- Jokes about health or memory.
Organising the whole card? Our retirement card guide covers timing and who to invite. For more ideas, read Retirement Wishes for a Coworker (Warm, Funny & Sincere).